Sorry

You said that you were sorry but
You had no idea how much she hates that word
They say it without sincerity, so fake
All she wants is to have someone to not hurt her

She won't have to go through the pain of
having someone saying sorry to her
after having put her through unbearable
conditions that she couldn't withstand

How she wishes that everyone would stop
saying sorry but she can't stop them
and it tears her heart every single one of that
word is heard as it reminds her of her past

Letter to you

You know who you are,

This piece here? It's dedicated fully to you. I hope you do know how tiring it is to be in my shoes. I hope you have a good time without me caring about you anymore.

I don't know if I'm myself anymore. I'm slowly giving up on who I am just to please you. I'm putting up facades more and more often only for myself to break into more and more pieces behind the scenes. I'm always disappointed in you and constantly seeking comfort from my friends just because of what you did. No, I didn't ask for you to be next to me and neither did I ask for you to be my horror story. I don't want to be here anymore every single time you look at me. Your eyes filled with hatred and all. I give up, happy? Just do whatever you want with me because I can't bother about myself anymore. All I get are looks of hatred from you while others? Your attitude changes a hundred and eighty degrees. Yea everything's fine with that. I'm done with being who you want me to be because I'm never gonna please you like others do. Thanks to you, I'm never gonna be the girl that you loved. I'm done. I give up.

Your nemesis,

Shermaine 

Change, impulsivity

It hurts so much to see the way you look at me, with so much hatred in your eyes when it's on me. I could never be good enough for you, isn't it? Maybe that's why you've never loved me the way others does. 

Why am I always in the wrong, to you? In your perspective, can I ever be right? Why doesn't my way seem to please you? Don't humour me with such a fake smile. Tell me that you can change, please.

I hate you. I do. Why do you disapprove my actions all the time? Why? Tell me I am the same as other in your eyes without being bias. I want the truth. I always wished that things were different.

I never accepting the way you treat me. I just wanted to be equal with others not high up where you are. Change. Please. I can't quite hold onto my sanity anymore with the way things are going. 

Just tell me what's in your heart. I fear you the way I shouldn't. Let me find meaning to my life. I want to equate the meaning of my name to the meaning of life. You've given me this name but you can't let me grasp it fully.

You probably don't understand

Most people don't

You will never understand 

How much anger

How much self hatred

How much hurt

Someone have

To take a razor to themselves

And cut into their own skin

-Shermaine

Parents

She used to think that they were so great and she is proud to call them her parents. Nevertheless, all this could be changed within a single day. She is thinks that her parents now is a disgrace, why?

Parents are supposed to bring up a child esteem, isn't it? Instead of bringing up their self esteem, putting them down and making their self confidence plummet to the bottom is pure evil.

Now, all she could think of is how much she wish that she had never existed so that she wouldn't have to have such low self esteem. She once cared dearly for them, now she wishes for nothing else to do with them.

Thoughts kept in her heart.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't let you off from her mind. She tried, but to not avail. There's not a single day hat gone past with her not thinking about you. You took up most of her mind and heart such that there was none left for anything else. She missed you but she couldn't say it out for fear of weird stares given by her surrounding people.

She's hurting on the inside but she wouldn't want to admit it. It's destroying her trying to act normal trying not to let her real emotions show. No one bothered to ask if she's okay and trying to find out the truth behind a wall of lies. A pillar of support that she wanted might not be present anytime soon. Trying to wait for its arrival yet the fear of not being able to wait any longer sends her over the edge.

They say that family would be there for you no matter what happens. Were they there for her when she needed them the most? No. How could she rely on someone that was not there for more than half of her current life? She can't find the need to trust them not knowing if they would be gone again. Maybe they would say that she's stubborn for not wanting to rely on them and would only do her way but could she be blamed when all her family does is to put her down when she needs to be put up with.

All she really wonders is that will there be anyone to realize that she's gone when only her empty shell is left behind? To her, family is nothing but a name for people who is supposedly to care for her. Will her definition of family change over the time or would it stay the same? No one would know unless she tells them herself. Would they be told of what's going on in her mind day in day out or still be oblivious to every single thing about her? It's still a mystery unknown till the very day she opens up.

Giving up, letting go, regrets.

Maybe she should've given up on you a long time ago. Sadly, she didn't. She shouldn't have held on to that faith that all would be well in the end. She knew how ugly the ending would be yet not once did she felt like giving up.

With her make up smudged and tears running down her face, she would still smile and continue to fight. Her face is a mess but all she can do is clean it up before you see it. She should've known that you weren't good for her but all she persisted.

Maybe she wouldn't be in this position now where she needs to let go of you but has trouble doing so. If only she had listen to her friend, she would've let go of you and wouldn't be this hurt right now. All she wish is to turn back time and heed her advice and let you go.

The sweet talk? The empty promises made? They brought her up only to send her crashing to the ground again. Why did you have to do this to her. Hurt badly, she could only say sorry to you for being hurt when all she wants is a sincere apology and never repeating it again but you didn't.

Don't, don't be fooled by this façade of his where he seems so nice. Stop listening to all his sweet talk, enough is enough for her. She doesn't deserve nights where she cries herself to sleep because of you and you don't deserve a tear she shed for you. She should let go of you, it's time for her to spread her wings and fly.

You stepped in

Confused. No. It can't describe how I feel at this moment.
Why? Why do you have to come in and mess me up real bad?
You would say that it isn't your fault. Think about it.
You crashed me up so bad like a tissue paper and say

It's my fault. I didn't ask you to destroy me.
I let you into my life thinking that maybe
Maybe you would leave a happy mark on me
One that I would call my favorite memory

But no. You wrecked me so bad from that moment
The moment you stepped into my life. You screwed
My life was not perfect but I tried to stay happy
Till you stepped in...

Baby

Baby
We are not meant to be
You and I
Just side by side
Miles and miles apart

Infatuation versus Love, a meaningful story.

Many a times she questions herself to if it was an infatuation or is it truly love. She would easily tell you that it is love. Is it truly love? The answer has always been a mystery to her that she couldn't figure out. All she could think of is the enjoyable moments spent together. What about the moments not spent together?

Her way of thinking could be easy, hotness equates to love. Maybe. At the same time, she found out that when they didn't spend time together, she wouldn't think of him much. In fact, maybe not at all. This came in as a surprise to her but it wasn't to her surrounding mates. She continued with life just the way it is and enjoyed it to the fullest. Maybe it wasn't love but an infatuation, she thought...

As the days progressed on further, she realised that she didn't need him in her life. She seek for a closure and she couldn't find it. When she found out about his thoughts, she finally learnt that maybe that's all she needs. She went on and closed that chapter of her life. Though memorable and all written down in that very chapter, she didn't want to open it again.

She would never forget that period of time where she was on cloud nine caused by him only but she needed something else. She wouldn't want to hide anything from him nor did she want to cause any broken feelings. She desperately wants and need to stay contented and be grateful for what she has.

She has found her answer, it was just an infatuation all along. One that she has moved on from. She was glad that this was just a chapter of her life. Though there are many more to come, she isn't afraid of embracing them. It's what completes her storybook and fill it with meaning not just colours and words with no sense. She's one step closer to having a meaningful yet fulfilling life.

Insecurity

Insecure. Everyone feels insecure at some point in their life. Natural. Is it exactly natural to feel this way. Often questioning herself and the choices she makes but it's was all different with the way she feel  around him.

Him, a fixture in her life. Often feeling that she wasn't good enough for him. He looked like he just came out from the newest vogue issue and her? Just a normal typical girl next door. The way she tried yet seemingly fail every expectation made. The feeling he gives, foreign enough for her to doubt yet giving her a sense of comfort. The way she moved were nothing compared to his graceful actions, she thought. Reassurance did nothing but to increase her sense of insecurity. She was beautiful, he thought. 

Afterall, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She couldn't comment on the way he looked at her because she looks at him in the same way too. If only anyone could change the way she perceives herself and be a little more loud, he thought. Gorgeous in his eyes but ugly in her eyes, all about how she looks but yet the vast difference shocks everyone greatly. 

Rant

You always thought that She was in the wrong. You told her that She always think that she's right. You told her that her attitude sucks like sh*t(sorry for language use), am I right? 

Have you thought about her feelings? Have you thought in her point of view or rather in her generation that maybe for that once that she's right?Do you know how she feels whenever you say something like that to her? No, of course you don't. You never think of what others feel, you only think for yourself. Have you tried to think see things from her point of view? You said you went through it during that phase but do you know times have changed?

You told her that she should change her attitude but her attitude is based on how you treat her, her personality is what defines her. Maybe you were the one that caused multiple heartbreaks that she had? I would say that she has put up a wall against you so that she won't go through what has already happened. How you treated her every single time hurts her and you weren't supposed to be that mean to her. Many of the times she just wants to disown you as her relative of any sorts

You broke her heart time and again yet demanding that you deserve her respect? I call that bullsh*t. I say that you should say sorry for how you treated her and respects her choice from now on. So what if she's a minor and you're an adult? It doesn't give you the rights to torture her such that she feels that she shouldn't be born even. She went through so much and don't need more than she's already dealing with. All I can say that you're a mean, selfish, sadist and evil adult. You take joy in torturing her and I can say is that no one would be proud to introduce you to their friends as a family member. No one would even want to introduce you I bet, they will want to hide you from the world as if you're some Ebola disease. Yes, She hates you to the core every single moment spent with you and has to pretend she's happy like she's enjoying torture but she don't...

Maybe that's why she hates you so much....

Memories

Walking down the memory lane

All I see was the happiness in those eyes

The smile that never left her face 

The cheeks that glowed radiantly 

The pictures that spoke a thousand words

Now left empty with no words

The place that contained memories

Had them fleeting pass again

It was all painful down the road

It was never once easy

Things changed but not for the easier

They change for the better

YOUR WORD

No matter what you feel, it's always caused by something. You wake up crying on a bad night, what caused it? The nightmare. You had an enjoyable time for the day, what caused it? The simple joy of doing something.

• 

Some moments might be sadder than the other but some might be happier than the other. When someone goes through triggerings, it's something connected to their everyday life and without fail it will cause something out of them. Do you think that they like recovery? No. The temptations make them happy and it's really what that keeps them surviving at times. You think that they are having an easy time having to go against temptations? No it isn't. It makes them happy to go with the flow and sometimes that's what I want to. 

•

We are what we are caused by the simplicity of black is evil and white is good. Our lives depends on temptations at times. The temptation of doing something good like helping out is what the world of people should have. But when you enter the dark side where the broken lies quietly, what can their temptations be? Stealing? The seven sins? It might be as simple as wanting to feel pain. It's all white or black.

• 

Grey? The world ain't filled with grey. It's where uncertainty lies and it's filled with a mix. It's not what we are, it's what we used to be. We did kind but human was never born good. It's what happened that made you who you are. Why so? We get influenced by our surroundings too much that we camouflaged into it. The black covers the white and it's all there yet gone.

•

Triggers is just a word till someone goes through them to know the meaning. Everything is just a word till you come across the action. It's not seen but felt, everything is there as long as you interact with it. Triggerings my word means dearly to me and it represents me in one way or another. What's your word? It's representing you. Behind the words tell a story and every story links to a feeling. It's just a cycle where we can't break.

•

Your word, your story and your feelings. It shows you who you are and what your life is.

Where were you?

When something happens, I wanna run back to tell you.
It's just so hard to say it out loud.
I wanna tell you how much I miss you.
The emotions that I crave to show, just can't.

Stupid enough to believe that you won't be there.
Craving for your love just like how I did.
Stupid enough not to see that you're there.
Cravings for your presence, satisfied.

Staring at the ceiling in the dark.
Same old empty feeling in my heart.
Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast.
You loved, yet it's faded into past.

Where did it go?
I couldn't look for it anymore.
Gone from the presence, wanting more.
My heart yearns for more.

Same old page but words are gone
You were gone from me once again
Stay with me all the same
You were there so are you now?